Living Together but Alone Sermon Notes (Song of Songs 3:1-5)

Posted: June 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

Living Alone Together (Song of Songs 3:1-5)

 Remember the Alanis Morrisette line from the angry “I’ve been dumped song” “You Ought to Know”? It was “You promised to love me until I died but I’m still alive!”

 Ever had one of those relationships?  Each of you promised the other forever but then “forever” lasted all of 3 months? 

We have those relationships for a lot of reasons but then we think that once we marry, all of the fears of being dumped, being alone, etc. will go away as if the marriage ceremony contains some kind of magic.  It doesn’t!

Let’s look at the Song of Songs.

 1 All night long on my bed
       I looked for the one my heart loves;
       I looked for him but did not find him.

    2 I will get up now and go about the city,
       through its streets and squares;
       I will search for the one my heart loves.
       So I looked for him but did not find him.

    3 The watchmen found me
       as they made their rounds in the city.
       “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

 3:1-3, the bride is laying in bed dreaming of her husband.  Eventually she is so heart sick that she goes looking for him all over the city.

4 Scarcely had I passed them
       when I found the one my heart loves.
       I held him and would not let him go
       till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
       to the room of the one who conceived me.

    5 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
       by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
       Do not arouse or awaken love
       until it so desires.

3:4-5, when she finally finds him, she refuses to let go and drags him to her mother’s home where they can be alone (weird, I know but’s an ancient Hebrew things).  She does not want to let him go because she is afraid he won’t come back.  Again, she is very insecure.

 Now, to be fair, we are all insecure people and if you are married and ignore that fact then your marriage will suffer.  You cannot assume that your husband or wife feels safe in your relationship just because you have the rings.  You cannot take your spouse for granted.

 Dennis Rainey writes, “Every day each partner in a marriage makes choices that result in oneness or isolation.  Make the right choice and you will know love, warmth, acceptance and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine oneness as man and wife.  Make the wrong choices and you will know the quiet desperation of living together but never really touching one another deeply.”

 There are too many couples living together but living alone because of wrong choices.  That’s a miserable existence.  God wants your marriage to bring you peace, so that it may bring Him honor and glory.  You won’t have such a marriage without a certain level of security.

 Every marriage MUST be pervaded by a healthy degree of emotional safety but how do you achieve it?

 For starters, be candid.  Not jerky candid (“Honey, your butt is bigger!) but emotionally candid.  When you speak try to use “I” statements like “I think…” or “I feel…”  Let him or her know what you are going through and why. It builds trust.

 Take divorce off the table…too many people use it like a weapon and God hates it (Malachi 2:13-16).

 Men, let your wife know that you love her so much that you would die for her (Ephesians 5:25, 28 & 33).  You may think your wife believes this but too many women tell me they would be pleasantly surprised if their husband pried himself off the couch to help carry in the groceries! Build a relationship of passion and intimacy so that she knows you would die for her if need be.

Men, help your wife with the kids and the house.  Raising children and caring for the house is not “women’s work.”  Turn off Sportscenter, brush the Cheetos dust off your chest and help with the household chores. It shows you really care about her and your kids.

 Be affectionate and LISTEN to her!  Don’t just hug her & kiss her when you want sex…she knows what you’re doing…but touch her all the time to let her know you find her attractive and to lower her insecurity level.   Also, when you are with your wife, LISTEN, don’t just wait to talk.  Do your marriage a favor and mark off at least 15-minutes every day to sit down with your wife and listen to her. It shows her that she is important to you.

 Women, honor and respect your husband.  It is a cliché that women primarily want to be loved while men primarily want to be respected but there is truth to it.  Ask yourself how you speak to him and about him.  Do you talk to him like a child? Do you listen to what he has to say? Take a long, prayerful look at how you speak to your husband.

Finally, respond sexually.  Here is a newsflash ladies…men like sex!  Really…they do.  You may be tired (especially if you have kids) but you need to devote time to be together. It is vital to a healthy marriage.  If the sex is infrequent (less than 1-2 a week) then get counseling right now!  That’s a red flag and you need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand.  You can’t have security without intimacy.

 Remember that we have security through the grace of Christ…we should gracefully grant it to others.  We receive grace from God to give grace to others, we receive blessings to bless others, we are changed to bring change and we have received the secure love of God so that we may soothe the insecurities of others.

Tomorrow, we will look at a few questions that were asked.  Until then, grace and peace.

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